What it Feels Like

Mental health issues take a toll on our daily lives

The feeling is so hard to describe to people. Almost like trying to describe pain. Everyone has a different series of words they use to describe their “illness” I hesitated for a moment on using the word ‘illness’ because I don’t think I am an ill person. But I am fully aware that there are times when things change in my life and I go into crisis mode. Just had to start seeing my therapist twice a week and had to have my daily anti-depressant cocktail increased, as well as being switched to a stronger anti-anxiety medicine. I’m also on a medical leave of absence because I can’t focus at work and haven’t been able to eat or sleep. Depression, anxiety and panic disorder can be life altering and debilitating ILLNESSES. One of the hardest parts for me has always been not having a support system of people who truly understand what I am going through. People say things like ‘why don’t you get a fucking grip?’ ‘You’re crazy!’ ‘You’re fine, why are you doing this?’ ‘Why don’t you just go out and do things? Get out of bed! Take a shower! Let’s go have a beer! Why don’t you call me?’ And the list goes on and on and on. 
I’ve learned in those types of situations to not even try to explain what’s going on. People who have never been there will never fully appreciate what someone in our shoes faces on a day to day basis. There are days that I don’t fall asleep until 4am, despite taking Trazodone (antidepressant sleep medicine) and then wake up in a panic at 8am. Eating is not something that is a part of my day anymore. Like I couldn’t eat if my life depended on it. And if I do eat, I get sick. Sometimes I won’t remember the last time I showered… 5? 6 days ago maybe? Life just gets very heavy at times. The phone weighs 1,000 pounds and the thought of picking it up to call anyone… then I would have to talk to someone… what would I say? Depression is painful. It makes my entire existence hurt. But it’s a hurt that is difficult to explain. I can feel it on my chest… it’s heavy. There’s constantly an uneasy feeling in the middle of my gut, my thoughts won’t stop racing, everything becomes worse case scenario and once the anxiety hits, I can’t take my clonopin. I am afraid… maybe it will make me fall asleep? Maybe it will be too much… I don’t wanna drug myself and be a zombie in the middle of the day…

And the newest thing happening is a slight touch of agoraphobia. My home feels like such a safe place. I literally don’t want to leave to go anywhere. 

Neurotic. Tired. Unmotivated. Paranoid. Anxious. Anti-social. Agoraphobic… hi, nice to meet you. 

As more and more celebrities and other people in the world open up about battling anxiety and depression or other variations of mental health issues, I continually hope that the stigma related to depression and anxiety will go away and that people will understand that we are normal people. And life has gotten entirely too heavy for us. We have low Serotonin levels and because of our depression we are unable to take steps to get better. 

And for those who don’t suffer… please try to be compassionate Love us enough to trust that we don’t want to feel this way. If it were as easy as just STOPPING, don’t you think we would have done that a long time ago? This isn’t glamorous. We aren’t just trying to get attention, in fact, most of us would rather isolate. We don’t in any way want to be burdening you with our life, which feels so small and worthless already most of the time. We see no light at the end of the tunnel for ourselves and/or our situations. Telling us to “just get over it” or just stop” is only going to make us more scared and more anxious, especially around you now… 

There is nothing that I am able to do right now to get better except take my meds daily, rest and relax, write as much as I can and continue seeing my therapist. I know I should be exercising but that involves leaving the house and seems like a lot of work. And I know I probably smell and need to shower, so don’t tease me for how awful I look. I almost wish someone would take me in the bathroom and bathe me like the child I feel I am, because I don’t think like I can do it on my own. 

Please try to be gentle with people who suffer from Depression, Anxiety, Agoraphobia, OCD, or any other type of mental disorders. We need love, understanding and support. The best thing you can do is to educate yourself on the subject of mental illness so you can better help us get through it feeling loved, warm, supported and comforted. 

Please remember that if you or a loved one becomes suicidal, experiences suicidal ideation or begins exhibiting self harming behaviors such as cutting, please call 911 or get them to a hospital immediately. 

I would love to hear what some of you FEEL when you are in a depression? What are your symptoms? 

Is it constant? Or does it come and go in phases?

How do you speak to your loved ones about what is wrong with you?

How do they treat you when you are down?

What are some things that you find helpful to get you through these episodes? It’s very easy to tell a severely depressed person to get some exercise, but if you’ve ever been in a Funk, you know it’s like someone telling you to run to cross country and back.

I would love to share my experiences and have an open forum where we can share experiences, advice, tips, coping skills, dealing with loved ones… anything related to the topic of mental disorders.

Author: Autumn Delaney

A screwed up girl in an even more screwed up world...

2 thoughts on “What it Feels Like”

  1. Thank you. I’m really hoping to get a dialogue going because this is such a huge part of who I am right now and I know there are so many other who suffer in silence. But also a great number of those who are able to overcome some of these issues. It’s just nice to know there are people like me and I hope to share experiences, knowledge and support as well as maybe helping people who don’t have a clear understanding of what is happening to them.


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