I’m waving my white flag…

I am giving up. I have finally been pushed to the edge and I can’t even perform basic care needs for myself like eating and showering. I just got kicked out of my house (did I mention I live with my mom?). I also just found out that I have some severe spinal issue that may require surgery which is why I am constantly in pain. And I also just found out today that in order for my son to transition from rehab to an intensive outpatient program (which he wants to do), there is a cost. It’s $395 a week which I don’t have because I am out on medical leave because my mental health is so fragile right now. My sons father makes more money than god and refuses to spend a dime to help our son who has finally accepted the help from rehab and he is praying and working steps and he has a sponsor and he WANTS to stay in rehab (live in) so that he can learn to transition into society with a little extra support from the therapists who have helped him get to that point. 

I am at odds with my entire family, my oldest daughter won’t speak to me and my mom just mocked my mental issues which really hurt. I’m 44 and shouldn’t be living with my mom anyways. But she needs my financial support event though she refuses to admit it. But I might not even have a job after this leave. So who knows what will happen to me. 

But I’m TIRED. So tired of fighting with everyone and feeling like no one is on my side. No one understands me or cares to try. I want to be in Oregon. Portland. My best friend lives there. Her life is similarly chaotic to mine, so she moved away and has gotten better in the almost 2 years she’s been there. But she had to change her scenery. I am ready to change mine too. I hate Los Angeles and am so ready to leave California. I don’t understand why people want to leave beautiful, small, uncrowned cities to live here. 

I am seeing my doctor tomorrow morning to get my leave extended and I am considering asking him to admit me to a mental hospital. I am just too unstable right now and I have the weight of the world on on my shoulders. 

Note: I am not, nor have I ever been suicidal or done any sort of self harm. My worst fear in the WORLD is death. So I don’t want to scare anyone with this post. I am at my lowest point, but I want to live.

I want to change my life. I want to live for ME. I want to do what makes me happy, if I ever find out what that is.

I was gonna start a GoFundMe page for my son to get help to pay for his month stay at this new place, but I don’t want to do it without permission from the family because I would be announcing my sons heroin addiction to the world and everyone would know our family’s “dark secret”. I don’t care if anyone knows. I am a desperate mother who will sell her soul to the devil to help her son. But the stigma that is attached to addiction… it’s not right for me to share it with the world. 

Thank god, Trazodone is kicking in. Hopefully I will sleep well and then in the morning I start packing and get ready to move again. I haven’t had a stable home of my own for over 5 years. I keep most of what I own in my car because I never know when I will have to move again. But it’s been every 7-10 months for years. What a loser I am.

I am the definition of a mess.

Goodnight and thank you for allowing me to vent. And please don’t worry about me. I’ll be ok. I always am.

Author: Autumn Delaney

A screwed up girl in an even more screwed up world...

One thought on “I’m waving my white flag…”

  1. You know what they say about hindsight… sometimes (like this blog) I wish someone would just make me take a damn clonopin. Sometimes I get so worked up and so far past the point of thinking reasonably, that I get afraid to take my anxiety medicine and I find a million reasons not to. Then out of control craziness like yesterday happens…

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