I am finding through writing blog posts,that  there are so many people in my type of emotional and mental situation and I would love to start a dialogue about what some of us do on a daily basis as sort of a “preventative maintence for anxiety (medication, meditation, exercise, etc…) vs what people do for on the spot termination of symptoms. 

Same goes for depression… Every morning I take a cocktail of Effexor, Zoloft, Clonopin and Valsartan (high blood pressure). Taking the clonopin first thing in the morning works for me as preventative maintenance so that I don’t get into those uncontrollable “crisis” situations. I don’t know about the rest of you who use anxiety meds, but when my anxiety gets REALLY bad, I am afraid to take my clonopin because I think it will knock me out or something bad. 

I go through periods of happiness, but most of the time I’m scared and afraid of everything. I wake up with a sense of dread. 

I am unable to exercise on a normal manner because of a severe back injury I have. I can swim, but am faced with a slight agoraphobia. I don’t wanna go anywhere or do anything. 

My therapist always tells me to “journal”, which I get so sick of hearing, but it is the reason I started this blog. I have had a crazy insane life and I felt like it would be cathartic for me to tell my story. Although, my blog has turned into more of a daily rant than stories of my life. I also took a leave of absence from work via FMLA. So I’m off work indefinitely. 

Hopefully I will be able to do some serious soul searching and maybe figure out a way to start getting my life back on track. Whatever that means. But for now I’m focusing on being able to do the basics for myself… eat, sleep, shower, etc. 

I’m always open to suggestions and I would love to know what works or has worked for other people. 

It’s so easy for “outsiders” to look at me and say things like “just start working out”, or “just go on hikes!” Or even “just stop being depressed! You’re beautiful and have a great job and a wonderful family. What could you possibly have to be depressed about?!?” Ad nauseum…

Author: Autumn Delaney

A screwed up girl in an even more screwed up world...

3 thoughts on “Curious”

  1. I hope you have friends or family that could support you, or even someone who is struggling in a similar way. Many people, and I’m sure you know this, shy away from those with mental illness, but I have found that the best thing to improve my outlook was to help support another person in the same kind of trouble. You may not feel capable of this, or your circle of friends/ family are not this level, but there are many out here on WordPress who have sought or given support. It seems you are a young person, so it is all the more sad because you have a lifetime ahead of you. I am 67, and am trying to withdraw from antidepressants and sleeping pills.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Withdrawing from some of those antidepressants is so hard. I’ve heard Effexor is the worst and that’s what I take. I can’t take ambien for sleep anymore because it makes me depressed the next day, so Trazodone has been working well for me. I’m seeing my therapist a lot and doing what I can to be active despite a severe back issue that has me constantly in pain.

      Liked by 1 person

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