Girl and her shitty self…

Will she ever be enough for anyone?


She was a beautiful child who had olive colored skin that was always covered in a golden tan, eyes that were a golden amber if not green,  and long brunette hair. She attracted the attention of passersby even at a young age because she was so outgoing, happy and chatty. 
Her mother was never in the spotlight growing up and was not used to the attention that her daughter brought to her. She was embarrassed by it. 

Girl grew into an intelligent, witty and humorous teen and then adult. She was very strong willed and was always sure her way was the right way. Even if it was the wrong way, it was still the way she was going to use because she loved instant gratification. She loved being the center of attention and had the ability to charm everyone who would come near her, whether it be by starting intelligent and relevant conversations, or by just being her good natured, glowing self. 

No matter how much she did or how hard she worked or how beautiful her hair and makeup were done, she was never enough. At least not in her parents eyes. Her mother always wanted her to be blonde, which she was for awhile, though it was only a passing phase. Her mother often commented on how awful Girl looked without makeup and questioned why she thought it was ok to leave the house “looking like that”. She was, by the way, a natural beauty with flawless skin and beautiful features and looked perfect with no makeup on. People often commented that they wished they could go out into the world with no makeup on.

Christmas and birthdays were always opportunities for her parents to give her boxes wrapped in beautiful paper with extravagant bows that contained clothing that THEY thought was perfect for her and wished that she would wear… but it just wasn’t what she liked. She just wanted to be comfortable and maybe in the interest of rebelling a little, became somewhat of a Tom boy, then at some point stopped even caring what she wore. Jeans, t-shirts and flip flops. Done.

This negative exchange went on for many long and difficult years. During this time, it goes without saying that the little girl (now all grown up) had crushed self esteem and insecurity issues along with the feeling of never being enough/good enough. 

At some point, something happened… maybe it was the nervous breakdown and overall feeling of losing her mind. Maybe it was mid-life crisis. Girl, at the age of 44, began shopping for dresses to wear. Beautiful dresses that were delicate, floral and made her look so beautiful, but more importantly, made her FEEL beautiful. She couldn’t seem to buy enough of them and was even beginning to wear earrings and put makeup on every day, just because it made her feel good about herself, which seemed so important in a world where everyone is considered obese and even a glutton of they aren’t a size 0 & a 5’10” supermodel.

One sunny and ridiculously hot summer afternoon in late August, girl and her mother were out shopping after eating a huge salad buffet lunch. Girl was picking up dresses, which were mostly on clearance now since fall items come out while it’s summer still. Holding 2 adorable frocks that we’re bohemian in style and made out of a thin gauze type of material with floral patterns, girl was still skimming through the racks and looking for more. Her mother approached and asked why she was picking up all these dresses when it’s gonna start getting cold pretty soon. Really mom?! It’s not even the end of August yet… her mother continued… I don’t know why you buy all these dresses when you never go anywhere… 

Girl couldn’t believe what she was hearing. After 30+ years of “why don’t you dress more girly, start wearing more dresses, you should wear jewelry, wear more makeup”, etc, ad nauseum. Girl turned to her mother and reminded her that she had spent forever telling her to dress cuter and be more girly and now that she is doing exactly that, she telling her she should stop? “Will anything I do ever be enough, or good enough?” She got the familiar eye roll and a “come on, lets go”. 

Girls’ feelings were so hurt. More than that… her heart was hurt. She felt as though she was a disappointment to her mother and never did the right thing. Her eyes burned from the tears that wanted to stream down her face. At 44 years old, she could still be shrunk down to nothing with just a few words from her mother. Talk about unhealthy family dynamics…

I will almost NEVER post pics of myself or my family. But I just feel like I need someone to really SEE me. To let me know that I am ok. 

 

Author: Autumn Delaney

A screwed up girl in an even more screwed up world...

2 thoughts on “Girl and her shitty self…”

  1. Moms have that way of getting under our skin- and as they get older, it gets even weirder because then they really lose their filter! You’re good! You’re wise and intuitive and those dresses are waiting!

    those bohemian dresses- do you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally agree with you, which is the #1 reason I need to be on my own. Unfortunately, my medical “condition” has left me pretty broke. Along with bad credit and all kinds of other issues that make moving nearly impossible.

      Like

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