Stability…

Stability is one thing I have never had in my life. I have always felt like I could pack up my life and leave everything and everyone I know and love at any given moment. I never learned how to grow roots. I’ve run away from everything in my life. If something gets too difficult, I run. 

It’s pretty stupid that I’m 44 years old and relatively good looking and I live with my mom. I just always seem to land myself on these awful situations living with a roommate or living with some douche bag and then when it falls apart, my mom is the only person I can run to. But it’s not without paying a DEAR price. 

I don’t quite understand what has happened in my life over the last month or 2, but I have literally broken up with 2 very dear and close friends and I seem to have had falling outs with a lot of other important people who have been Staples in my life. And now that things have once again gone badly at home for me, there is nowhere to run to. I have no one. I’m literally alone. Locked in my bedroom crying and trying to stomach the sickening realization that I am stuck. I am unstable and have always been unstable and will likely always be unstable. 

Author: Autumn Delaney

A screwed up girl in an even more screwed up world...

8 thoughts on “Stability…”

  1. I am sorry to hear this. I don’t know the reasons for your breakups. There is a person very close to me who has had many relationships but has always ended up on her own, and she is considerably younger than you. I wonder if you have reached out for help, or if you are comfortable living on your own. I think there is someone out there for everyone…..sorry about the cliche.

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    1. I would LOVE to live on my own and feel like not being able to do so is 99% of my problem. The breakups are falling out with girlfriends that I’ve known for 15+ years so they’re significant and traumatic. But as far as romantic relationships, I’ve been single for almost a year. I honestly don’t know who can help me. I see a therapist and I don’t know how much I’m actually getting out of our sessions, I’m on disability from work….
      I seem to choose friends and lovers who are narcissistic or emotionally unavailable and I am an extreme empath. Everyone seems to take advantage of me and hurt me. And this isn’t just me being a victim. I’ve had some truly awful people that I’ve let into my life.

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      1. Without knowing you, it seems that these relationships were the wrong ones. I’m quite a bit older than you, and I’m pretty cautious about giving advice, but I would say do not chase people, and let things happen naturally. You know yourself and what you have to offer, and someone genuine will eventually appreciate it.

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      2. I agree. Fortunately, these friendships were the least of my concerns and more so just flame to add to the fire of my already upset life. And I’m actually satisfied being on my own. I’m not looking for any type of a relationship, whether platonic or romantic. I have too much to worry about on my own without having to worry about someone else’s feelings.

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      3. All I can tell you is my own experience. I was in therapy as you have been, and last winter I had emotional problems to the point of stress black out. I had to seek further help, and since then, I have felt stronger and more able to let my guard down with certain people, who in turn have done the same with me. It’s been the key to my finding warmth, even with casual acquaintances.

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