The Breakups Continue

As if losing 2 of my great friends wasn’t enough… next in line are my 2 oldest children.

My oldest daughter is recently married (June) and works as an Associate Degree Nurse in Long Beach, CA. She works three 12 hour shifts a week, and goes to school until December to finish up her Bachelors degree. I pretty much never hear from her. She’s too “busy”. It’s so hard for me to understand why/how it’s too hard to pick up the phone and send a text saying “hi mom! I’m doing great, just really busy, but I love you. Just didn’t want you to think I forgot about you or don’t think about you”. 5 seconds. That’s it! But that never happens. I spoke to her on September 4th, but only because it was her youngest sisters birthday and we were all meeting for dinner. I see her Instagram and SnapChat posts of her out partying with her girlfriends. 

It’s beyond me to even begin to explain how hurt I am over this. We have always been so close. So in my hurt and anger, and having a sharp tongue… I tell her how I feel. I had a small surgical procedure on my spine yesterday and she didn’t even check on me, neither did her brother. It REALLY upset me. I think more so because it just adds to the fact that my kids have lives that no longer include me. 

This could just be another instance of me being “selfish”. That’s what everyone accuses me of. Maybe it really IS me…?

In regards to my son… he is in Sober Living spending as much time as he can away from the facility and at home at his dads house. Even taking weekend passes to stay there. His dad seems to be dictating how long he is able to stay in this facility, despite my son being there on a FULL scholarship and no one being charged for it. Thank god because his father refused to pay anything. 

I posted yesterday about boundaries… my son and I had a boundary that was specifically set so that we wouldn’t enable, upset or hurt each other. I was dragged through the mud to an extreme degree throughout his 5+ years of addiction. The boundary stated that we wouldn’t speak, but that he would text me daily to let me know that he was ok and what was going on with him and that he loved me.

That was all good, until it wasn’t. He called me and asked my permission to leave Sober Living because he just wanted to get a job and get on with his life. All at the urging of his father. Well, I don’t know about you… but that seems to be a violation of the boundary. He knows how I feel about him continuing treatment, and that I would not approve of his desire to discontinue the treatment he has done so well in. We fought and I cried and he said “nevermind, I’ll stay as long as you want me to”. It was never about me. And I told him I couldn’t support his decision but I knew that I had no control over whatever his decision was. 

I found out last night from his father, that he got a job at a Dodge Dealership. I’m not gonna lie… I was hurt that he didn’t tell me that he got the job. My mom even knew. I just feel like I’m not someone who is a priority to them to communicate with. I feel like this was the last straw for me. 

I supported and enabled my son through the worst of his addiction, never left his side for 10 days straight when he overdosed 2 years ago. I ran myself ragged chasing him around and trying to control his addiction while still keeping my own head straight and trying to hold down my job.

And then I finally broke. And I told my kids that I’m done with them. I raised them to have such a strong sense of family. And good strong family values. Our family is together on every holiday. Their father had no sense of family and he mistreated his mother, which I should have seen as a red flag from the beginning. 

I just feel like without my kids, I have nothing. I have no life of my own. I battle depression and anxiety and chronic pain. I am single and live with my mother. I feel like the biggest of losers. This is an all time low for me. I keep trying to see a bright side to anything, but I’m continually coming up short. I just don’t understand what has happened and what has gone so wrong. 

I have a hard time understanding and sympathizing with my oldest daughter constantly saying she’s “busy”. Three 12 hour shifts and school 2 days a week. She’s 20 fucking 6!!! Aren’t you supposed to be a Mecca of energy at that age? I work 12-14 hour shifts 6 days a week and usually work on my day off and have to answer work calls around the clock daily whether I’m there or not. But I still manage to make time for my family. I still make time to call my kids to see how they’re doing. So, criticize me if you feel it necessary, but I told my kids I’m done with them. I’m not gonna fight for 5 minutes of their time once a week. My mental health can’t take it.

And I should have cut my son off a long time ago. His addiction got worse (or at least didn’t get better) because I chose to enable him and not just cut him off, which his dad continually threatened to do, but didn’t. I spend too much of my life worrying about his life. More than he does even.

I feel so hopeless and like my life has no purpose or meaning anymore. I don’t expect my kids to abandon or stop living their lives to take care of me or cater to my loneliness, but it would be nice to get a text once in awhile to know that they still know who I am and think of me. 

I just am having a hard time finding reasons to get out of bed every day and my life seems to be spiraling farther and farther out of control. I am worried about how far I am sinking. I have no one and nothing. 

My mom just told me “you don’t NEED to talk to your kids all the time. That’s what holidays are for. They have their own lives…”

Fuck me… I literally want to pack my life and move somewhere far and just start over. I just feel like they don’t need me anymore. 

Author: Autumn Delaney

A screwed up girl in an even more screwed up world...

12 thoughts on “The Breakups Continue”

  1. That’s the worst thing for anyone…loneliness and feeling unworthy. Oh boy…you need to meet someone, but it’s hard with the state that you are in. Forgive me- I haven’t gone back to your older posts, but have you been on meds for the depression?

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    1. Sorry, I only ask this because I have always been scared of drugs and their side effects, but eventually had to turn to them because of my nearness to self harm.

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    2. I hope that was the right post I meant to send you. I’ve had a rough life (self-inflicted) for most of my life. That’s another reason I’ve chosen to blog. I wanted to be able to document it. To get it out. Hoping it would be cathartic for me, if nothing else…

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      1. No. I appreciate our conversations. No matter how brief. I wish I could find someone, but I don’t have much to offer right now, I agree. When my brother and I flew the nest, my mom had my dad still. I have nothing, but my own head and way too much time to think. And I am being more picky this time if I do find someone.

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      2. This is the post and the huge event in my life that I feel started me down the yellow brick road of hell that I have been on for most of my life. When you consider childhood development, important milestones… I missed most of it because of this, so I have always blamed this for a lot of my trials as a human being. I have finally forgiven my parents because they were just worried and didn’t know what else to do with this wild child daughter they had…
        https://girlstuckonpause.wordpress.com/2017/08/10/the-day-my-life-was-put-on-pause/

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  2. You told me one time that you are an empath. This surely has its up side and down side. I’ve felt this way about myself, and have been told many times that I’m “too sensitive”. Most of my intuitions about people have turned out to be true, and have helped me avoid certain people or situations, but some of them have been wrong. I hope that you find someone you can put your trust in. Not much help, I know.

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    1. You have no idea how much “help” it is for me to have even brief conversations about the struggles in our lives that we don’t necessarily want to put out into the world, but that are still huge life altering issues, none the less. Sometimes I just worry that my blogs are too negative, but if people don’t want to read then they don’t have to. Like I said in “Fair Warning”, it is going to get uglier…

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      1. I’ve found that the quickest way to get people to stop listening is to start telling them about your struggles. It’s the old saying “laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and you weep alone”. For some reason, within the last few weeks, some unexpected people have told me some very personal things about their lives, and I felt honored by their trust. In turn, I trusted them with some of my own horrors. I do not know if I was right to do so. I have put some pretty personal stuff on my website, and, like you, have done it as a catharsis. Anyway, I am still listening, although I feel at a loss as to what to say to you.

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      2. Please don’t feel like you have to say anything. To know that you are listening (reading) and sort of experiencing the topic I write about with me or st least from my perspective and then further commenting to show me that you DID listen/read and take it in, means so much. I really appreciate you, Lee.

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