When you AREN’T ready for children…

I’ll never forget… my boyfriend was 16 and so was I. Him and I both did speed. I was homeless having run away from the psychiatric hospital I was locked up in for a year previously. 

He was becoming increasingly paranoid and pulling away from me in paranoid way. Like being SURE that I let the government bug his radio so they could hear everything that he was saying. It was heartbreaking for me and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t keep him convinced that I loved him and would never do anything to hurt him. 

One night in December at a party we were having at his house, he would barely speak to me. His eyes were blank and he was just so far gone. I was so desperate to hold on to him. That December evening, I made a conscious decision to stop taking my birth control. I was sure that then we would be tied together forever and he would love me forever. What an idiot I was. Now in my defense… this is a VERY common thing for young girls to do, thinking they are going to hold onto this horrible boy that they are in love with and they will just play house and everything will be perfect. 

He finally got his head straight and I stopped the drugs which is more than I can say for him. Though I did smoke marijuana and cigarettes the entire time. I feel like at 16, I knew that I was pregnant, but had ZERO idea what it TRULY meant, or what was TRULY happening to my body and my life. 

I had our daughter when I was 17. I didn’t feel that “bond” that mother’s talk about. Nothing clicked in my head. I knew I had a baby and that I was a mother, but it wasn’t a life changing experience for me, like it is for most adult married women that you see on TV. I was tired and not ready to give up my sleep. I was a kid and had no choice but to give up my childhood. 

It took me a long 3 months to realize that this guy was not going to step up to the fatherhood plate and do what he should do to help, so I left him. 

My daughter spent a lot of time with family while I was out trying to work and find my way back in the world. Dating, being around friends and whatever else. I had no idea what I was getting into. But I was nowhere near ready for it. Even now at 44 years old, with 3 grown children, I still don’t think I’m ready for it. 

As awful as it is for me to say, I don’t think I was cut out for motherhood. I went back and forth between being a mother to leaving my kids with anyone I could find so I could chase down my latest crush, or close down the bar drinking. My kids grew up without me. Sure I was there physically sometimes, but always irritable and in a hurry to leave. Thank god ny parents did what they could to raise my kids to be amazing adults. 

I’ve always put everyone on the back burner when it comes to a relationship. To the point where now, my family refuses to give any man a chance because they are SURE that I will get lost in this guy du jour, who will undoubtedly drag me through the mud and abuse me verbally and then leaves me with nothing. 

It’s no wonder my kids are screwed up and can’t stand to be around me…

Too many girls have babies far too young and I just wish I could stop them and convince them that they are not making good decisions because kids aren’t little dolls you can play with whenever it suits you, then throw in the closet when you have other things to do. Kids need nurturing and to be taught values and morals and they need to be comforted when they’re scared. They need to be forced to do homework and take baths and they need to have regular, healthy dinners… it’s a lot of work. And work that I failed at doing. I didn’t even really try. 

But I now have to live with that guilt every day for the rest of my life, while my kids go off and live their lives without me…

Author: Autumn Delaney

A screwed up girl in an even more screwed up world...

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