A sickening truth

The man I have loved for 30 years, the very first man I ever loved, the man I’ve continued to love within those 30 years… is never coming back. I wrote about him previously in Paths That Never Stop Crossing which you can read here

We can always run into each other and pick up where we left off. I haven’t been able to get him out of my head since his birthday in September. I’ve been having dreams about him and everything. I don’t feel like he’s happy. But he IS married. And is standing strong about not being able to even entertain the idea of him and I. Not that I’m trying to lead him into temptation or anything. I just feel like he belongs with me. This has happened between us too many times and we have lost touch and then reconnect and carry on as if we didn’t lose any time at all. 

But it’s not gonna happen anymore. I just don’t want to accept it. 

My life is currently SO lonely and this is the longest I’ve been single in YEARS. I am not used to this perfect solitude, more so the imperfect companionship. I don’t like it. 

I want to have someone for myself, but I’ve raised my standards, which is s double edged sword. I won’t settle for a douche bag. So that makes it a little harder to find someone. Men st my age have so much baggage. Crazy ex’s, little kids that require a lot of time and attention, and all kids of other stuff. I’m WAY beyond that. 

And of course… the only man I want is the one I can’t have. I hate not getting what I want. I’ve always been spoiled in that way when it comes to men. He has said that he loves me, and I truly believe him. But he’s also said it’s just not gonna happen. 

(Throwing a tantrum)

Author: Autumn Delaney

A screwed up girl in an even more screwed up world...

5 thoughts on “A sickening truth”

    1. It’s just one of those things. I semi feeling like I’m going through this whole “age regression” thing where I’m putting my head back into a time that was really good in my life cause I can’t handle the present. I’ve been listening to nothing but 80’s music on Pandora and this guy was my first everything and we’ve sort of always been together off and on and now I probably want him even more because I can’t have him which basically means that I’m ALL KINDS of fucked up.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I actually don’t feel bad about it here in blog world. This is the only place I feel like I can live out loud and not be embarrassed or ashamed of who I REALLY am. I hope to one day be able to meet some of my fellow bloggers. I think it would be interesting to get all of us fucked up anxious people who communicate via blog regularly into the same room.

        Liked by 1 person

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