The man I have loved for 30 years, the very first man I ever loved, the man I’ve continued to love within those 30 years… is never coming back. I wrote about him previously in Paths That Never Stop Crossing which you can read here.
We can always run into each other and pick up where we left off. I haven’t been able to get him out of my head since his birthday in September. I’ve been having dreams about him and everything. I don’t feel like he’s happy. But he IS married. And is standing strong about not being able to even entertain the idea of him and I. Not that I’m trying to lead him into temptation or anything. I just feel like he belongs with me. This has happened between us too many times and we have lost touch and then reconnect and carry on as if we didn’t lose any time at all.
But it’s not gonna happen anymore. I just don’t want to accept it.
My life is currently SO lonely and this is the longest I’ve been single in YEARS. I am not used to this perfect solitude, more so the imperfect companionship. I don’t like it.
I want to have someone for myself, but I’ve raised my standards, which is s double edged sword. I won’t settle for a douche bag. So that makes it a little harder to find someone. Men st my age have so much baggage. Crazy ex’s, little kids that require a lot of time and attention, and all kids of other stuff. I’m WAY beyond that.
And of course… the only man I want is the one I can’t have. I hate not getting what I want. I’ve always been spoiled in that way when it comes to men. He has said that he loves me, and I truly believe him. But he’s also said it’s just not gonna happen.
(Throwing a tantrum)