So this morning I am having trouble getting out of bed. I need to shower. It’s been days. But the thought of doing that seems beyond overwhelming. I slept horribly last night and was seemingly up every hour. I’ve been plagued by bad dreams too. Every night it seems like.
I saw my psychiatrist last week on Wednesday. He upped the amount of the mood stabilizer I was taking from 100mgs a day to 150, which is where I am now. This seems to have all gone downhill since my dosage of mood stabilizer went up. After 10 days I’m supposed to go up to 200mgs. WTF is gonna happen then?
I noticed at 100mgs, my downside seemed to go away. I was getting out of bed (because I wanted to) easily and even showering every other day. I was eating normally, whereas now I’m back to feeling like I just don’t want to eat. Like I can’t. But also noteworthy is that at 100mgs, I felt like my downside was gone, but that my upswings were pretty unusually up for me. Maybe it’s because I’m only used to being down? The showering, makeup even. I felt like I was just about ready to go back to work, I seemed sort of hyper and talkative, I didn’t mind doing things or going places. I even posted I’m pretty sure something about feeling a lot better. Yea, that all went out the window.
I’m not sure if this is part of the process of titration upwards or WTF is going on… but I hate feeling this way. Especially after I just spent some time feeling good, which I hadn’t in months it seemed like.
The dr told me to write down how I’m feeling every day because the fear is that if I go too high on this lamotrigine, that I will just be blah and not give s shit about anything. Like no mood. That actually doesn’t sound too bad right about now. After that glimpse of being ok, I’m afraid to now be back to feeling like all I wanna do is lay in bed and cry.
The dr also told me to call him if anything major happens before the next time we meet. I have this weird thing where I don’t like to go to the dr when I probably should because I’m afraid it’ll just be nothing. That, and I have to drive an hour each way to get to my doctor (and therapists and primary) and I refuse to find help closer to home because A) I love way too much. Who knows where I will end up. B) I love my doctors and don’t wanna have to go through my whole history of life and my childhood and all that shit all over again.
Not to mention the fact that my wonderful idea to blog about my life up until this point and the trials and challenges I have faced and my crazy journeys, has turned into a blog of me bitching about how shitty I feel on a day to day basis. Who in the fuck wants to read that?! Hi, I’m negative Nancy. Wanna listen to me complain for hours on end?
Nothing seems to be going as planned, EXCEPT for my mood swings (which aren’t even going as planned: wait. Who plans mood swings?!), which only serve to prove that I am a bi-polar hot mess. Ugh.
I’m contemplating showering. While laying in bed pondering my nightmares; what they mean and why I keep having them. My hair is greasy. My pajamas need to be washed. My friend and my daughter are coming to visit today. Did I mention I decided to look for another job and had a second interview with Coffee Bean yesterday (on the phone. No I didn’t get up and leave the house) and they’re going to make a decision by Friday for a GM for a new store that is opening. WHAT IN THE FUCK am I gonna do if I get this job?! I don’t feel like I’m ready to go back to work. Not this week. But I seem to be like this Jeckyl and Hyde right now.
I am certifiably crazy right now, right?