Where to go from here…

Life is full of obstacles. Most of which the average (and I say “average” as loosely as I would say “normal”) is able to get past. Parents deal with their children growing and leaving home and starting their own families. People deal with finances and the constant feeling of not having enough money or being in too much debt. People do the daily 9-5 shuffle that is required of them to work and then back home. People get fired or laid-off. People’s businesses fail. Marriages fail. Some people deal with sick children or spouses. We deal with loss all the time, it’s a fact of life. And some people even deal with addiction in their families. From cigarettes, to alcohol to heroin.
But at what point does “the average” person crack and decide they can no longer mentally deal with all of the stress and pressure? Because all of those issues happening simultaneously to a person is a lot for even the mentally stable to deal with. I think these people crack, but are just good at hiding it.

So now add in the factor of the person in the middle of all of this, battles depression, an anxiety disorder, borderline agoraphobia, mood swings and panic attacks… and there you have a recipe for disaster.

How does an emotionally or mentally fragile person deal with all of these things in a world where society expects you to be “normal”. No one talks about real life struggles. Antidepressants are shameful and anxiety is just an excuse for everyone to take Xanax.

I was ready to go back to work. I have been feeling good. Good enough to do my job anyways. Then I found out that I had been replaced at my job. A week ago. My heart broke. I wanted to go back to my same location. Thanks to FMLA, my job is protected, but now my company is trying to send me to 2 faraway locations. Hour and a half plus commutes each way, 12-14 hours of dealing with angry people and farther away from my family. It’s a punishment. For needing to take time off to take care of my mental health. All of a sudden every problem I ever had was staring me in the face and I cowered to all of it. Chose the fetal position and a box of Kleenex. (Ok, like a case of Kleenex). My company is trying to force me to quit. I have seen them do this a million times. So that’s one issue of the day.

Part deux…

Another fight with my mom. This time because I got a text at dinner at our cousins house saying that I had been replaced at work. It was upsetting, of course. I probably should have excused myself, but these are cousins we see every day. So I sat on their couch and continued texting. Out of nowhere, my mom yells that I should get off my phone because I’m being rude. No one even noticed what I was doing until she called attention to it.

I decided to excuse myself and take my moms keys to drive home and told her I would pick her up when she was ready to leave. Of course, she flipped out and said “well then great so now I have to leave too”, but she really didn’t have to.

We got in the car and she said she couldn’t believe how rude I was. Then all of a sudden I was irresponsible and had no common sense. It just kept escalating until finally she hit me. Twice. And pushed me. Then proceeded to trash my room and kick me out. She said and did some really awful things. And I’m not one to play the blame game without accepting my part in something. I absolutely contributed to this by asking her why she had to be such a bitch and slamming doors (just to show how childish it seemed that she was doing it), and I kept asking her why she was acting like a 12 year old.

So here I sit on my friends couch, with a small bag packed to get me through the week. No plans. Nowhere to go. I will probably lose my job. I feel defeated. Like a failure. I have nothing. This makes me feel like my life is meaningless. Why am I here? I literally have nothing. No friends (well that’s not true. I do have 1), no home, no job, my son is a heroin addict (sober, but I still fear every day). I have no money and am in fact in the hole $445. I see no light at the end of my tunnel.

I always wanted to be an RN. But I had 3 kids by 23. After that, I couldn’t afford to not work, which is what they suggest in the RN program. So I’ve never been able to do it.

I love floral design. But I would need to take classes. And I don’t know if anyone ever got rich designing floral arrangements. But I know I don’t love restaurants. But I do know it’s all I know how to do.

I’m so smart. And I should have a great career and be married and all of that societal bullshit that’s expected of us. But I made a series of bad choices in my teen years. And now I’m stuck. No education. No degree. No job. No home. Nothing but a bunch of bad memories and guilt over things I could’ve and should’ve done, but chose not to.

I’m tired and I want to give up. Every time I try to get ahead, I get thrown backwards into worse turmoil. I just want it all to end. I’m tired of wondering where I will be living from one day to the next. And trying to jump from job to job hoping I will find something that will make me happy and proud to do the work that I do. But I hit a dead end every time.

So my question is: Where do I go from here? For the first time ever (I think) I feel like my life is meaningless and like I’m just taking up space.

I want to just pack my bags and go explore the world. “Find myself” I am in several unhealthy situations here, so there’s no reason to stay. Actually, I feel like I’m ONE BIG walking unhealthy situation…

Author: Autumn Delaney

A screwed up girl in an even more screwed up world...

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