Character defects

I lost my last friend today. Over something extremely stupid. But the problem started when she attacked my character. Called me selfish and delusional and paranoid and so many other things that cut like a knife. I was really proud of myself for not lashing out and throwing shit back at her. I chose to be the bigger person. Most of what she was saying was irrational and untrue. She’s the one I was staying with when I first got kicked out of my house. I tried every day to give them money for letting me stay there and help with groceries and taking care of the kids. I just didn’t have money to give.

I’ve gone over it so many times and it’s like kicking a dead horse. The common theme here and what this post is meant to be about IS my character. I’m beginning to question it myself. Every time I argue with friends or family, the first thing they do is attack my character. 3 things you don’t mess with… my kids, my character and my well being.

I feel like I’m a good person. I don’t have a lot to offer anyone financially, but I would take a bullet for those closest to me. I am just starting to wonder why everyone says the same awful things about me and what a horrible person I am. Now before anyone says anything to make me feel better… I must say… there ARE bad people in this world. People who are selfish and greedy and will use you until there’s nothing left. How do I know if I’m one of those people?

I’ve had some tough breaks in my life, but I accept full responsibility for where I am right now. It’s because of the choices I’ve made in life and the direction I chose to go in that I am now homeless. I never try to blame other people and have that victim mentality. But I do know certain things aren’t my fault.

I’m extremely self aware and will always own my flaws and character defects. But it seems to me like others have a hard time doing this.

I have been at my breaking point for quite some time and have been experiencing suicidal ideation. I would never try to kill myself only because I’m afraid I would fail and that I would hurt myself. It’s more thoughts of just wanting to not be here. Like no longer exist. Sometimes I have fears of losing control and like driving my car off the side of the freeway. But it’s a fear. Not something I want to do.

I’ve always been good at running. And that’s what I’m ready to do. All of my bridges here have been burned and I really feel like there is nothing left for me here in So Cal. I’m ready to pack my car up and just drive somewhere far and start fresh.

Maybe this is the Universe’s way of telling me that I need to be alone. Maybe I let bad people into my life and if I had higher standards, I would be more selective of my friends/lovers. But is it healthy for me to be alone? I have not one friend now.

My mom is begging me to come back home to her house, but I’m so hurt over everything that happened and also that her first line of defense when we fight is to throw me out. Like she had to prove that she has power and control over my well-being. I can’t take that. This last fight was it for me. I don’t feel like I want to see her or talk to her. In her mind I should just forget about it because it was just a little fight. She isn’t in my head and doesn’t understand how in a world where I am mentally unstable, that I need all of the stability in other areas that I can get. Like a roof over my head. Imagine if you were threatened to be thrown out on the street twice a month. And I can’t count the number of times I have had to pack my car and leave, only to have her call and want me to come back a week later when she’s ready to talk to me.

I don’t necessarily think that is “victim mentality” and I’ve accepted full responsibility for my part in our arguments.

I’m just so over everything and I have nothing left. I can only stay at my kids dads house until Sunday, then I have to find somewhere else to go. I’m so scared.

Bur how do I know if I’m the awful, evil person that everyone says I am?

Author: Autumn Delaney

A screwed up girl in an even more screwed up world...

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