Sides…

Sometimes I wonder why no one can ever just have my back. Why am I always the one that has to apologize and eat crow and give in? The 2 people I care about the most in my life besides my kids make a regular habit of using their power to prove that they can take away everything I have and crush me at any moment.

That is not good for me. I have to stay away from those types of situations. No one seems to understand (and I guess I can’t expect them to understand) how fragile my mental state is right now. I have to get through each day, one day at a time, convincing myself that I should get out of bed, or shower, or eat.

When does the criticism stop? When does the “you should just suck it up and apologize” stop? When will everyone stop telling me that I need to just find my own place and get my life together? This is my goal, but it doesn’t happen overnight. I’m trying as hard as I can and saving money, even if it’s just s little bit. But it takes time. When will someone make an attempt, even if they fail, to understand me. I sort of feel like I need to have my feelings validated.

No one can help the way they feel. I know that no one can make you feel anything, but my feelings are very real to me. So it’s really hard to be told that I need to relax or that my feelings are irrational or stupid. I am going through a SEVERE depression. It is very real and very debilitating.

I feel so trapped and misunderstood. Not even misunderstood, and like I have no one in my corner.

I will be spending Thanksgiving by myself on the couch in my pajamas binge watching Netflix some Netflix series. And I feel ok with that. I don’t want to have to deal with any confrontation or arguments or anything. I want to just BE.

Author: Autumn Delaney

A screwed up girl in an even more screwed up world...

3 thoughts on “Sides…”

  1. Vanessa…..I have not met many people who are comfortable talking to someone with depression, and that includes family and friends. Strangely, the only person I’ve empathized with is my son’s girlfriend, whom I drove to her first appointment with a psychiatrist the other day. We get along well, perhaps because we both have issues. She was diagnosed that day as bipolar. We sat in the car for an hour afterwards, just talking. There were some tears. I think we both felt better for it, though. I’m sorry that this is all the wisdom I can give right now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thats ok Lee… I appreciate you responding at all. And you’re right. It is hard for people to talk about it, especially if they’ve never been there. And I guess there is still some amount of “stigma” attached to mental illness…

      Liked by 1 person

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