It’s Thanksgiving day. It’s jut another day for me. When you work in the restaurant business like I do, weekends and holidays and all other days just sort of blend together.
I have decided to stay home alone and watch TV in bed all day. I truly feel ok with that. I don’t want to be around people. I just want to listen to the TV and then the silence. Me and the dog and the cats.
I’ve had 3 people call me already to tell me that I really need to get out of bed and just go spend the day with my mom or other family. Here’s the problem…
I’m not ready to see or speak to my mom. I’ve never felt the feelings towards her that I feel right now and that’s a little scary. The hurt and damage runs so deep. I need to figure out a way to stomach everything that happened between us and to accept that it happened. And then I need to start to figure out a way to deal with it and potentially put it behind me.
How do I make people understand that I’m ok being alone? I would actually prefer to be alone. I don’t need to be around people. That’s what I’ve been paid to do in life and it’s physically and emotionally and mentally exhausting.
No one can understand what’s going on inside of my head. I need to stop trying to make people understand. And to stop wishing and hoping that someone will understand. I’m looking for my feelings to be validated. I’m wanting someone to tell me that it’s ok to be home alone today. It’s ok to take time to breathe. It’s ok to take time out and to just do the bare minimum that I am able to do in order to make it through the day.
I just told my daughter that I shouldn’t need permission to be where I am at mentally right now. This is all a process and I am battling my demons the best way I know how. And unfortunately, a lot of the battle, for me, is alone time. Time to think, time to write, time to grieve.
My son is on his way home from their weekend off roading trip right now. He left Tuesday with his dad and their friends. I’m house sitting. They aren’t supposed to be back until late Sunday or early Monday. Jacob is coming home today. He has “food poisoning”, which I know to be withdraw because I have seen him WD from heroin so many times that I can tell by his voice wherever he’s high or sober or in WD mode. So that stress adds to my load.
I need to give myself permission to do nothing. To cry. To write. To not be ok. To just lay in bed. It’s ok to be depressed. I constantly battle people who tell me I just need to get up and find a place to live and get my life together. That is absolutely 100% true. But it’s a process. A long, hard road, especially for me. It’s not going to happen today. Or tomorrow. Maybe not even 2 weeks from now. And that’s ok.
I want to focus (as crazy as this sounds) on giving myself permission to be mentally unstable. I don’t need anyone’s permission, not even my kids, to take care of myself even if it means doing nothing. Doing nothing right now IS taking care of myself.