As I lay in bed and reflect over the last year of my life (2017), a lot of things come to mind. Mostly sadness and loss.
The 2017 year began with me getting kicked out of the room I was renting from my old friend. End of that friendship. 4 other great friends that have been in my life for 20 years, I lost to arguments and misunderstandings. Then I got kicked out of my moms, lost my son every day a little more to his addiction, had this huge breakdown that has now taken over my life, and am unable to work. I have struggled so hard and lost so much. And maybe most of it is my own doing.
For 2018, I am going to be making a lot of changes in the way I think, interact with others, and just handle myself in general. For 2018, I am choosing to leave the past behind me and not look back. I am choosing to look at these losses as positive. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. To teach us lessons. I am a super co-dependent “fixer” and so my friendships and relationships in general, are draining on my soul. I doubt myself, question myself and believe the lies that these people tell me… like I am selfish and ignorant and have no common sense… all projections.
I am choosing to be kinder to myself. Allow myself to listen,accept and believe compliments and positive feedback. And I will do myself to stop the habit of negative self talk.
Taking care of everyone around me to the point of neglecting myself could imply that I am not worthy of being taken care of, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I AM worthy. I deserve to practice self-care and to take time for myself and my needs without fear of feeling “selfish”. Selfish isn’t always a bad thing.
I am going to continue and Complete this outpatient PHP program I am in. I am going to continue to participate and do the homework and be present in groups. I will enroll in school and take a semester or art, piano and voice lessons because these will not only get me used to showing up for school, but they are also things that will make me feel good about myself.
I will push toxic people out of my life and not allow them back in. I will do whatever I can to get better. I will work on fixing my credit, paying off debt, finding a place to live that is MY OWN that no one can ever throw me out of. I WILL take the chance no matter how uncomfortable it is for me, to re-create my life. Choose a new career path and take the necessary steps educationally to help that happen.
I won’t mourn for the loss of my childhood, or any part of my past anymore. It happened. I have accepted it. But I will never move forward in life or thrive if I continue to live in the past.
I will no longer live in my mother’s shadow. Doing things because she wants me to do them. Allowing myself to be triggered by her in any way. I will also try my hardest to work on thinking and maybe even sleeping on things before I react and attack.
Today was supposed to be a great NYE with new friend (old friend I just started hanging out with again) and her family. But she stole from me and then tried to blame it on her son. Her husband didn’t seem surprised. It is what it is… but I don’t keep that kind of company. And mostly, this is why I have no friends. But I’m ok with it.
I will continue to reflect. I hope that all of you are having a wonderful holiday.