My Reflection…

As I lay in bed and reflect over the last year of my life (2017), a lot of things come to mind. Mostly sadness and loss.

The 2017 year began with me getting kicked out of the room I was renting from my old friend. End of that friendship. 4 other great friends that have been in my life for 20 years, I lost to arguments and misunderstandings. Then I got kicked out of my moms, lost my son every day a little more to his addiction, had this huge breakdown that has now taken over my life, and am unable to work. I have struggled so hard and lost so much. And maybe most of it is my own doing.

For 2018, I am going to be making a lot of changes in the way I think, interact with others, and just handle myself in general. For 2018, I am choosing to leave the past behind me and not look back. I am choosing to look at these losses as positive. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. To teach us lessons. I am a super co-dependent “fixer” and so my friendships and relationships in general, are draining on my soul. I doubt myself, question myself and believe the lies that these people tell me… like I am selfish and ignorant and have no common sense… all projections.

I am choosing to be kinder to myself. Allow myself to listen,accept and believe compliments and positive feedback. And I will do myself to stop the habit of negative self talk.

Taking care of everyone around me to the point of neglecting myself could imply that I am not worthy of being taken care of, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I AM worthy. I deserve to practice self-care and to take time for myself and my needs without fear of feeling “selfish”. Selfish isn’t always a bad thing.

I am going to continue and Complete this outpatient PHP program I am in. I am going to continue to participate and do the homework and be present in groups. I will enroll in school and take a semester or art, piano and voice lessons because these will not only get me used to showing up for school, but they are also things that will make me feel good about myself.

I will push toxic people out of my life and not allow them back in. I will do whatever I can to get better. I will work on fixing my credit, paying off debt, finding a place to live that is MY OWN that no one can ever throw me out of. I WILL take the chance no matter how uncomfortable it is for me, to re-create my life. Choose a new career path and take the necessary steps educationally to help that happen.

I won’t mourn for the loss of my childhood, or any part of my past anymore. It happened. I have accepted it. But I will never move forward in life or thrive if I continue to live in the past.

I will no longer live in my mother’s shadow. Doing things because she wants me to do them. Allowing myself to be triggered by her in any way. I will also try my hardest to work on thinking and maybe even sleeping on things before I react and attack.

Today was supposed to be a great NYE with new friend (old friend I just started hanging out with again) and her family. But she stole from me and then tried to blame it on her son. Her husband didn’t seem surprised. It is what it is… but I don’t keep that kind of company. And mostly, this is why I have no friends. But I’m ok with it.

I will continue to reflect. I hope that all of you are having a wonderful holiday.


I’ve been spinning for days on how to explain depression and how it feels to the people in my immediate circle. If everyone picks the first word that comes to mind to try to explain or “label” their depression, I’m sure all different kinds of answers will come up. None of us are alike. My word is HEAVY. My entire existence feels heavy. Like there is literally a weight on my shoulders that is pushing me down. My body feels like it weighs 800 pounds and I struggle to do everyday things like shower, get out of bed, groom myself, make it out of the house, reach out for help… And so many other things because everything around me, including me, is HEAVY.

After being told this afternoon for the millionth time by my ex-husband (who is so graciously housing me right now, no strings attached) to just “snap yourself out of this!”, I decided that I was going to actively try to find a way to describe, not just in words, how it FEELS to be me on a day to day basis.

I went to the interwebs and did a general search for how you explain depression and came up with an article by a blogger/website I already follow, called ScaryMommy. She can be quite hilarious at times describing how insane being a mother of small children can make you feel. But apparently, she has some sort of interest in depression.

I am linking the article here, but I have to tell you… If you are not at least mid-30’s, you may not get the reference to ‘The Nothingness’ from The Never Ending Story. I think that this article is a pretty great summation of how I feel from the moment I open my eyes every morning. The article was written by Elizabeth Broadbent, whom you can follow¬†here

Allowing myself to be depressed

It’s Thanksgiving day. It’s jut another day for me. When you work in the restaurant business like I do, weekends and holidays and all other days just sort of blend together.

I have decided to stay home alone and watch TV in bed all day. I truly feel ok with that. I don’t want to be around people. I just want to listen to the TV and then the silence. Me and the dog and the cats.

I’ve had 3 people call me already to tell me that I really need to get out of bed and just go spend the day with my mom or other family. Here’s the problem…

I’m not ready to see or speak to my mom. I’ve never felt the feelings towards her that I feel right now and that’s a little scary. The hurt and damage runs so deep. I need to figure out a way to stomach everything that happened between us and to accept that it happened. And then I need to start to figure out a way to deal with it and potentially put it behind me.

How do I make people understand that I’m ok being alone? I would actually prefer to be alone. I don’t need to be around people. That’s what I’ve been paid to do in life and it’s physically and emotionally and mentally exhausting.

No one can understand what’s going on inside of my head. I need to stop trying to make people understand. And to stop wishing and hoping that someone will understand. I’m looking for my feelings to be validated. I’m wanting someone to tell me that it’s ok to be home alone today. It’s ok to take time to breathe. It’s ok to take time out and to just do the bare minimum that I am able to do in order to make it through the day.

I just told my daughter that I shouldn’t need permission to be where I am at mentally right now. This is all a process and I am battling my demons the best way I know how. And unfortunately, a lot of the battle, for me, is alone time. Time to think, time to write, time to grieve.

My son is on his way home from their weekend off roading trip right now. He left Tuesday with his dad and their friends. I’m house sitting. They aren’t supposed to be back until late Sunday or early Monday. Jacob is coming home today. He has “food poisoning”, which I know to be withdraw because I have seen him WD from heroin so many times that I can tell by his voice wherever he’s high or sober or in WD mode. So that stress adds to my load.

I need to give myself permission to do nothing. To cry. To write. To not be ok. To just lay in bed. It’s ok to be depressed. I constantly battle people who tell me I just need to get up and find a place to live and get my life together. That is absolutely 100% true. But it’s a process. A long, hard road, especially for me. It’s not going to happen today. Or tomorrow. Maybe not even 2 weeks from now. And that’s ok.

I want to focus (as crazy as this sounds) on giving myself permission to be mentally unstable. I don’t need anyone’s permission, not even my kids, to take care of myself even if it means doing nothing. Doing nothing right now IS taking care of myself.


Sometimes I wonder why no one can ever just have my back. Why am I always the one that has to apologize and eat crow and give in? The 2 people I care about the most in my life besides my kids make a regular habit of using their power to prove that they can take away everything I have and crush me at any moment.

That is not good for me. I have to stay away from those types of situations. No one seems to understand (and I guess I can’t expect them to understand) how fragile my mental state is right now. I have to get through each day, one day at a time, convincing myself that I should get out of bed, or shower, or eat.

When does the criticism stop? When does the “you should just suck it up and apologize” stop? When will everyone stop telling me that I need to just find my own place and get my life together? This is my goal, but it doesn’t happen overnight. I’m trying as hard as I can and saving money, even if it’s just s little bit. But it takes time. When will someone make an attempt, even if they fail, to understand me. I sort of feel like I need to have my feelings validated.

No one can help the way they feel. I know that no one can make you feel anything, but my feelings are very real to me. So it’s really hard to be told that I need to relax or that my feelings are irrational or stupid. I am going through a SEVERE depression. It is very real and very debilitating.

I feel so trapped and misunderstood. Not even misunderstood, and like I have no one in my corner.

I will be spending Thanksgiving by myself on the couch in my pajamas binge watching Netflix some Netflix series. And I feel ok with that. I don’t want to have to deal with any confrontation or arguments or anything. I want to just BE.

Character defects

I lost my last friend today. Over something extremely stupid. But the problem started when she attacked my character. Called me selfish and delusional and paranoid and so many other things that cut like a knife. I was really proud of myself for not lashing out and throwing shit back at her. I chose to be the bigger person. Most of what she was saying was irrational and untrue. She’s the one I was staying with when I first got kicked out of my house. I tried every day to give them money for letting me stay there and help with groceries and taking care of the kids. I just didn’t have money to give.

I’ve gone over it so many times and it’s like kicking a dead horse. The common theme here and what this post is meant to be about IS my character. I’m beginning to question it myself. Every time I argue with friends or family, the first thing they do is attack my character. 3 things you don’t mess with… my kids, my character and my well being.

I feel like I’m a good person. I don’t have a lot to offer anyone financially, but I would take a bullet for those closest to me. I am just starting to wonder why everyone says the same awful things about me and what a horrible person I am. Now before anyone says anything to make me feel better… I must say… there ARE bad people in this world. People who are selfish and greedy and will use you until there’s nothing left. How do I know if I’m one of those people?

I’ve had some tough breaks in my life, but I accept full responsibility for where I am right now. It’s because of the choices I’ve made in life and the direction I chose to go in that I am now homeless. I never try to blame other people and have that victim mentality. But I do know certain things aren’t my fault.

I’m extremely self aware and will always own my flaws and character defects. But it seems to me like others have a hard time doing this.

I have been at my breaking point for quite some time and have been experiencing suicidal ideation. I would never try to kill myself only because I’m afraid I would fail and that I would hurt myself. It’s more thoughts of just wanting to not be here. Like no longer exist. Sometimes I have fears of losing control and like driving my car off the side of the freeway. But it’s a fear. Not something I want to do.

I’ve always been good at running. And that’s what I’m ready to do. All of my bridges here have been burned and I really feel like there is nothing left for me here in So Cal. I’m ready to pack my car up and just drive somewhere far and start fresh.

Maybe this is the Universe’s way of telling me that I need to be alone. Maybe I let bad people into my life and if I had higher standards, I would be more selective of my friends/lovers. But is it healthy for me to be alone? I have not one friend now.

My mom is begging me to come back home to her house, but I’m so hurt over everything that happened and also that her first line of defense when we fight is to throw me out. Like she had to prove that she has power and control over my well-being. I can’t take that. This last fight was it for me. I don’t feel like I want to see her or talk to her. In her mind I should just forget about it because it was just a little fight. She isn’t in my head and doesn’t understand how in a world where I am mentally unstable, that I need all of the stability in other areas that I can get. Like a roof over my head. Imagine if you were threatened to be thrown out on the street twice a month. And I can’t count the number of times I have had to pack my car and leave, only to have her call and want me to come back a week later when she’s ready to talk to me.

I don’t necessarily think that is “victim mentality” and I’ve accepted full responsibility for my part in our arguments.

I’m just so over everything and I have nothing left. I can only stay at my kids dads house until Sunday, then I have to find somewhere else to go. I’m so scared.

Bur how do I know if I’m the awful, evil person that everyone says I am?

The Door…

I am in a black hole.

It’s dark and quiet.

I’m alone.

I sit and watch as all of the good memories of my life flash before me and then burn in a ferocious fire.

There’s nothing I can do. I can’t cry. I can’t even frown.

I’m frozen. Paralyzed. Unable to move.

For every memory that burns into the air, I feel a stab of sheer agony through my heart.

I notice in the distance, another set of memories flashing. I look to them and see that it is every last one of the darkest and most horrific memories of my life.

I’m still paralyzed. I can’t even close my eyes. But this time I am able to feel the most depressing sorrow anyone has ever felt. I don’t want to see this. Or feel this.

So I look the other way and see my memories of myself with my family and friends and children disappearing into ashes. And then immediately after, the sword in my heart. I still cannot react and I am still alone. And I feel the pain.

Both directions of sight are terrifying and I don’t want either in my view.

I notice behind me there is a beautiful door. Surrounded by the most beautiful flowers. I can hear children laughing and birds singing. It is such a bright and beautiful white door. I am drawn to it.

Though paralyzed and unable to move or react, when I look towards this door, I am filled with a sense of peace, warmth, comfort and love.

I look back to the memories. I can’t take it anymore.

I can choose to watch the best memories of my life burn into nothing and then feel as though my heart has been pierced, or I can watch all of the worst parts of my life magnified but feel no pain, only depression and sorrow and guilt.

But then there’s the door. I have no choice but to go to it. I can walk towards it. It’s the only way I can go. The only way I can move. I have all of my feeling back. I am rushing towards the door. It’s beautiful and I can feel the warmth and happiness as I get closer to it.

I stand in front of the door. Exhausted. Tired. But happy I am no longer seeing all of those memories, both beautiful and haunting. I’m happy. I feel no pain.

There is a small sign hanging on the door. I read it. And then I begin to sob.

I look over my shoulder at the memories, then I turn back, open the door and walk through; and know that I am finally home.

The sign on the door reads “DEATH”